Spaced Soothing v Cry it Out: what's the difference?

As a Sleep Consultant, one of the most common concerns I hear from parents is: “Isn’t Spaced Soothing just another form or saying of Cry It Out?” 

It’s a valid question – and one that deserves some clarity! Because the difference between the two methods is significant, especially when it comes to how we support both our little one and yourself as the parent through the process. 

So, contrary to popular belief, here is why we would say that Spaced Soothing is not the same as Cry It Out.

What is Cry It Out?

Cry It Out (CIO), also known as extinction method, typically means placing your little one into their cot and not returning until they fall asleep – often for extended stretches, or in some cases not until the morning. There is no checking in or offering reassurance once the process begins. 

For some families, this process may work. But for many, it feels harsh, abrupt and emotionally distressing for both your little one and you – and understandably so. 

What is Spaced Soothing?

Spaced Soothing, by contrast, is responsive, structured and supportive. It is about gradually increasing the time between brief check-ins to allow your little one some space to develop self-settling skills – while still knowing you’re there to support them if they need. 

Here’s how it typically works:

• You place your little one in the cot awake.

• You leave the room for a short, planned interval (e.g. 3-5 minutes).

• You briefly return to offer comfort, connection and reassurance – voice, gentle touch, or calming presence. 

• You leave again, slowly extending the time between check-ins or keeping this at 5-8 minute intervals if this feels like a better fit for you.

This approach supports emotional regulation, promotes independent sleep, and keeps trust intact with your little one knowing you are right there. 

I hear you, crying is hard to hear! Even if you know your little one is safe, well-fed, warm and loved – crying can feel deeply triggering. It can stir up stress, worry, guilt and sometimes even self-doubt. This is completely normal. 

As humans we are biologically wired to respond to our little one’s cries. So when you hear them cry – even for a few minutes – your nervous system reacts. That is why how you support yourself during spaced soothing is just as important as the plan you follow. You are the calm to their storm and they will feed off your energy. You cannot co-regulate if you are dysregulated yourself. 

Spaced Soothing v Cry It Out: The Real Differences

	Cry It Out	Spaced Soothing
Parental Involvement	None during crying	Timed check-ins with reassurance
Response to cries	No response	Responsive at intervals
Focus	Extinction of crying	Teaching self-settling with support
Emotional Tone	Can feel abrupt	Gentle, structured and responsive

Hearing your little one cry for periods of time can often lead some parents to think they are ruining the bond and attachment between them and their little one. This is a big reason why we follow a parent-first approach when supporting families. Dr Meredith Blampied, Clinical Psychologist talks about the poor sleep impact on parents and when we can be well-rested is where we can show up for our family in a positive way. 

The phrase attachment parenting has been taken by popular culture to mean things like constant babywearing, co-sleeping, and putting a child’s needs above all else—often to the detriment of the primary caregiver, usually the mother.

While these approaches can work well for some, they’re not essential for secure attachment. In fact, trying to follow them too rigidly may even get in the way.

What truly builds secure attachment is responsive, consistent care—meeting a child’s needs most of the time and allowing them safe space to explore.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is telling the difference between needs and wants. All babies have the same core needs—like safety, food, and warmth—but each one will express and experience those needs differently. It’s all about finding the balance that works for you.

Spaced Soothing offers a balanced path between over-responding and under-responding. It acknowledges your little one’s need for sleep and your need for connection. You are not ignoring them – you’re supporting them through the change with clear, consistent boundaries. 

Yes, there will be tears. But there is also reassurance. Presence. Safety. Love. And there’s you – showing up consistently, even when it’s hard.

Sleep changes can be emotional for both our little ones and us as parents. But with a thoughtful approach like spaced soothing, you're not choosing between sleep and connection — you're building both.

If you’re finding it hard, you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid. And your bubba? They’re learning, growing, and loved through every moment.

You’ve got this!

Reference:

Blampied, M. (2024). Infant & Child Attachment & Behaviour [Review of Infant & Child Attachment & Behaviour]. In Beyond Sleep School Student Guide (pp. 211–222).

If you need some sleep support and you are ready to make a change our team of experts are here for you! Book a discovery call and let's chat about your little one's sleep and how we can help your family get the rest you all need to thrive.